The Gifts of Imperfection

Posted by Tisha Morris on August 30, 2011

Me on the Left

In my recent blog post, The Secret to Happiness: Being Vulnerable, I mentioned being inspired by Brene Brown’s work on vulnerability. Since then, I ordered and read her book, The Gifts of Imperfection.

One word: Wow!

A few years ago I had done a lot of inner child work. I came across the picture above, which became my visual mantra of the part of me that I wanted to recapture. And so again I return to this picture. She looks like she could care less about being perfect.

I thought I had overcome my perfectionist tendencies back when I worked for the State. It was a great place to become an imperfectionist as you are frowned upon when attempting to excel at anything. I assumed that I was healed until these tendencies began rearing their ugly little head again. Of all places, in the yoga studio.

So I dug into this book. And came out the other side a different person.

You see what is so eye-opening about Brene’s book is that she reveals the innate relationship between perfectionism and shame.

What it comes down to is that we try to be perfect because otherwise we are not good enough. This is shame.

“Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.”

As Brene puts it, “We’re afraid that people won’t like us if they know the truth about who we are, where we come from, what we believe, how much we’re struggling, or, believe it or not, how wonderful we are when soaring.” So what do we do, we try to be someone we’re not.

I know for myself I have fallen in the productivity trap over the years since being self-employed. I am much harder on myself than any boss would be. I feel like I have to not only be uber-productive Monday-Friday, but perfect.  These were not the reasons I wanted to be self-employed… to the contrary.

Brene points out that perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best. It is not about healthy achievement and growth. Instead, it is the “belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame.” It is about trying to earn approval and acceptance.

So, I am implementing this affirmation at the beginning and ending of each day: “No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough.”