‘Till Clutter Do Us Part: Clutter Clearing Tips for Couples

Posted by Tisha Morris on May 25, 2011

It never fails: At every workshop or speaking engagement I will inevitably get a question about what to do with a spouse or partners’ clutter.  It is such a big topic that one blog article does not do the topic justice.  But here it goes.  Look for more on this topic down the road.

The main reason this question comes up so much is because it is so very common for one person to be a clutter bug and the other be a neat-freak.  Why is this?  Because couples (regardless of gender) are inherently a yin-yang match. All space on our planet is striving for a yin-yang balance, including your home.  This is the reason couples get together in the first place. You have what I don’t and I have what you don’t.  You will see this same balance in siblings as well.  How many times have you heard parents say about their two kids, “they are complete opposites.”

How much clutter we have and how we keep it is an expression of our personality.  And so often in couples, opposites, i.e. personalities, attract.  The clutter bug is too cluttered and the neat-freak is too neat.  In the world of yin-yang, they balance each other out and, unfortunately, drive each other crazy. Now ideally, they will each start to affect the other to where the clutter bug isn’t as a clutter-y and the neat-freak isn’t as, well, neat.  But getting to this point can be very difficult and can even break up a relationship.

If you and your significant other are in this predicament, here are some pointers:

1. Claim Your Space

You each should have some part of the home that is YOURS.  A space in which one can be messy and the other can be perfectly organized. (This is actually important for all couples, even if clutter is not an issue.)  Ideally, you should each have a room or office in which you can have full expression of yourself.  If space does not allow this, then divvy up parts of the house.  It may be as big as the kitchen is yours and the garage is his to I get this book shelf and you get this countertop.  The point is that you each feel like you have a place for personal expression without worrying about your partner’s needs.  There’s plenty of other spaces for that.

2.  Compromise

After you’ve claimed certain parts of the home for each of you, then the rest of the house is shared space.  (Remember, you chose and at some point wanted to share a home with this person.)  This means you each respect the other and be mindful of the other in these spaces.  Call it compromising.  Most likely, you have worked on this in other aspects of your relationship.  For example, you don’t get upset when the other’s shoes or books are left sitting out.  Meanwhile, the clutter bug tries to limit the amount of items he or she leaves out.  Both are being mindful and respectful of the other.  This is where the couple can really grow together where one day clutter is not such an issue as each other’s tendencies start to blend together.

3. Be the Change You Want to See

If you are reading this article, then you are most likely the one who cares more about your living space.  So, this one is especially for you.  So many times I see wives complain about the amount of clutter and memorabilia that their husbands hang on to.  While I believe this to be 100% true (In fact, men hang on to emotional items far longer than women – I don’t have a study supporting this – just observation), meanwhile the wife has her own treasure chest of clutter that is waiting in the wings for her to rummage through.

Your spouse or partner will have a lot harder time lightening their load if you haven’t.  So be the example.  Get the ball rolling.  Talk about how much better you feel.  Point out how much better the house, or closet, or basement looks.  You can even casually ask for some help with bigger items as a subtle hint.  But don’t get on to the other person about their stuff.  They will just cling on to it even more.  Their stuff is emotional holdings from the past – as a child, a single person, an identity.  And when the tough get going, they will cling to the past with claws.

4. Is it Really About the Clutter?

Lastly, make sure your real beef with the love of your life is really about the clutter.  In other words, don’t use clutter as an excuse to cover up a deeper issue.  Clutter may be the sign of some deeper issues, i.e. lack of organization, motivation, too controlling, etc.  Don’t let clutter become the argument over the toothpaste tube – as you know it’s never really about the toothpaste.  Call a spade a spade.

Clutter or one’s home environment can also bring up parent-child issues within a couple’s dynamic.  Chores and picking up around the house were often hot-button issues growing up.  Make sure you are not trying to recreate this pattern in your adult relationship.  Get real on what the real issue is.

Give these tips a try and also share what has helped your relationship’s clutter issues.

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Tisha Morris is a feng shui expert, life coach, and the author of Feng Shui Your Life.  For more information, visit www.tishamorris.com.

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